I've been writing documentary-style lately, which isn't really me. I have more in me than that. There's so much swirling around in me right now, weighing me down, making me cry, keeping me from much-needed sleep. Surely I can do more than write sentences like "I was laid off and now I'm scared."
There's been so much loss lately, from my job to the break-up of my step-son and his girlfriend to the trio of celebrity deaths in the news. I feel like I can barely breathe. I need a good laugh, a nap and some healthy, sustaining food.
I need to be filled up with good things and washed clean of the toxic energy surrounding me. I'm getting angry easily and I feel like a cranky, hungry child.
There's more to me than this.
I don't want to simply slide into another, similarly numbing job out of desperation. I don't want to, but it feels like it will happen. I'm so worried, so fearful of a future without the financial stability that we need that I see myself not taking advantage of the fresh start this could be.
The tears are my new boss these days. I'm weepy, angry, bitchy and apologetic for all of the above. I'm tired of feeling like I still owe these people something, more than I have in me to give right now.
Maybe it really does just come down to I was laid off and now I'm scared.