Wednesday, June 2, 2010
So this is what it feels like
Yesterday I was laid off. Today's blog is a bit scattered, and not nearly as articulate or as gracefully written as I would like. It's been a hard past 24 hours.
As I write that sentence, I'm letting it sink in again. I've never been laid off before. I've lost a couple of restaurant jobs when I was younger, but I've never been honest to goodness laid off from a real job. A job with benefits, like health insurance.
It's been just over 24 hours and I'm still feeling rather numb. I feel somewhat relieved in a way. It's time to start anew! No more waiting around to feel motivated to move onto something new. I also feel angry, sad, overwhelmed and scared. I'm mainly scared. A tiny bit of me is also excited for the future. This means the start of something new.
If I had my way, I'd spend my summer mowing lawns. But mowing lawns doesn't pay the bills and it certainly doesn't have the health insurance or days off that I've got with my boring office job.
I've got two months to find a replacement for my old, boring, frustrating office jockey position. Even if the replacement is another boring, frustrating office jockey position, at least it will be new. A new cubicle, new work-mates, and a fresh start for me. That sounds not altogether terrible, and a regular paycheck will be a good thing.
I'm unreasonably scared, though. I'm scared of getting behind on bills, of struggling financially. Amos and I have never been well off, and money has been tight as it is. This is just overwhelmingly frightening.
I find myself wondering what will we do if I can't find something by August 1st. How will I pay the bills? How will we go about our lives as they are now? What if we can't pay the mortgage? How can I even enjoy a night out, or plan for our road trip to South Carolina in July? How can I go about my day to day life, with this at the back of my mind?
“Anyone can give up, it’s the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that’s true strength.” - Unknown
quote and image found at doozieUp.com, from a blog written when the author lost his own job last year.