Why Hello There

Hi there.

I think I might, maybe, perhaps....start writing again. It's purely selfish, for my own sanity really. I've put it away, not even thought of writing in way too long. But the little stories, the voice inside is niggling at me. I'm having odd conversations with myself. I don't seem to have any quiet time. I hear the words all the time. Even my husband has been wondering why it's taken me so long.

So yes, it is time I think. Maybe in the next few days? Maybe.

Daddy love, a day late

So Father's Day was yesterday. I'm a little behind it seems, but here's my Father's Day post. Yesterday I didn't have complete access to the computer since my step-kids were at the house, so here it is today.

This photo up above was taken around 1974 or 1975. That's Dad, Me and my brother Mike on Christmas morning. Check out that sweet moustache and those Elvis sideburns. The photo I wanted to use for this post was one of Dad with those same sideburns but shorter hair, looking terribly cool in a tight black tshirt, and me sitting in my toy Mustang. Unfortunately that photo was giving me fits and wouldn't load properly. So you get the moustache photo instead.

Dad passed away in 1991 at the age of 47 and I miss him terribly. I think about him often. Just about every day, to be honest. I think of him in good times (like my wedding) and in bad (right now, searching for a job). While shopping during the holidays I sometimes stumble across something that would be the perfect gift for him. I did the same thing this year, for Father's Day. It was a Father's Day Astros tshirt. My love of baseball has roots planted by Dad.

Happy Father's Day, Dad.

I decided to also include a couple of shots of my better half, sporting his Father's Day gift yesterday. My step kids and I headed to the mall Saturday (ick) to pick out something. They like to go into this sports shop at the mall for his gifts. You see, the man I married is also a baseball fan. His team is the NY Yankees. Here he is sporting his gift. Look how happy he is!

And here's the best part.

I think we did a pretty good job this year.

I've somewhat recently taken to referring to Amos as "Dad" when the kids are around. But only when they are with us. As in "Hey, let's help Dad clean the yard." Or "Do you think Dad will like this gift?" It kind of seems right, but occasionally does feel a bit odd rolling off my tongue. He's not my dad. My daddy was Jimmy Lee, who died 19 years ago. But he is their dad, and just like my mom did with my own father, I call him Dad.

And he's a very good one.

The Preface to the Precipice

According to dictionary.com, the word precipice has a couple of meanings.

1. a cliff with a vertical, nearly vertical, or overhanging face.

2. a situation of great peril: on the precipice of war.

This title seems fitting today. You see, I'm a woman on the verge. I'm about to take a big leap into the unknown. First, there's the job thing. You know, the whole "where am I gonna work blah blah blah" boring nonsense. I have no idea where I'm going to be on August 1st. I told Amos that, and he said "You'll be with me." Why of course, I will be with Amos. But job-wise, bringing home the bacon-wise, who knows. Which is rather scary but also more than a little bit exciting. Working in a new office, meeting new people, bringing my pictures and tchotchkes to my new cubicle- it's all very exciting and new. Yes, even those little mundane things will be exciting and new. I really do believe that. That new, somewhat same job will be different than this old one, even if it's similar. It's a whole new place where I can make a fresh start. Where no one knows the old Melinda. I can work hard and do a good job and impress everyone over there, at that new place. Wherever it may be.

Heck, even if I'm waitressing on August 1st, that's a little exciting too. I will be new, fresh-start Melinda, toting around a coffeepot.

But here's another precipice I find myself facing head on. I need to take more risks with my writing. I know that I can do this. I know that I need to do this. I've done it before, but with virtually no audience at all. I've had a thought niggling at me for awhile now. I have something I wrote and in a moment of bravery, posted on myspace a couple of years ago. I mean, who reads myspace blogs? Who would read MY myspace blog? Practically no one.

So in that moment, I wrote something very personal and hit send. I was very proud of that little something. But then I gradually stopped writing or even visiting my myspace page (as did most everyone I know). But I saved that little something and read it and re-read it every once in awhile and thought that maybe perhaps I could write. Maybe perhaps my life was not to be defined by what I once was.

That little something is the way I would like to write again. I enjoy the heck out of reading fashion and lifestyle blogs. I really do. And I even enjoy writing that sort of thing, a bit. But it doesn't satisfy me. I'm left hungry for something else.

So this is the preface. I've decided to post this nugget over here very soon, with almost no editing. Once I do, I'll be jumping off that cliff without a parachute.

This

I've been writing documentary-style lately, which isn't really me. I have more in me than that. There's so much swirling around in me right now, weighing me down, making me cry, keeping me from much-needed sleep. Surely I can do more than write sentences like "I was laid off and now I'm scared."

There's been so much loss lately, from my job to the break-up of my step-son and his girlfriend to the trio of celebrity deaths in the news. I feel like I can barely breathe. I need a good laugh, a nap and some healthy, sustaining food.

I need to be filled up with good things and washed clean of the toxic energy surrounding me. I'm getting angry easily and I feel like a cranky, hungry child.

There's more to me than this.

I don't want to simply slide into another, similarly numbing job out of desperation. I don't want to, but it feels like it will happen. I'm so worried, so fearful of a future without the financial stability that we need that I see myself not taking advantage of the fresh start this could be.

The tears are my new boss these days. I'm weepy, angry, bitchy and apologetic for all of the above. I'm tired of feeling like I still owe these people something, more than I have in me to give right now.

Maybe it really does just come down to I was laid off and now I'm scared.

Motivation

I love these shoes. I think I may have had the same ones when I was a teenager, though I'm not positive. Maybe they just belonged to a friend or a cousin and I secretly coveted them.



They are being sold by the vintage voice at etsy.

If they haven't sold by the time I get a new job, I'm buying them. Somehow, I think they will be gone by then, though. Maybe I can find another way to bribe myself. Maybe if they are still there by the time I get my first interview?

Just for the record, I'm already job hunting. I actually don't need the motivation of a pair of cute sandals. But it would be a seriously bitching treat to me for making this job thing happen.

Le sigh. I am in so much love with these shoes.

So this is what it feels like

Yesterday I was laid off. Today's blog is a bit scattered, and not nearly as articulate or as gracefully written as I would like. It's been a hard past 24 hours.

As I write that sentence, I'm letting it sink in again. I've never been laid off before. I've lost a couple of restaurant jobs when I was younger, but I've never been honest to goodness laid off from a real job. A job with benefits, like health insurance.

It's been just over 24 hours and I'm still feeling rather numb. I feel somewhat relieved in a way. It's time to start anew! No more waiting around to feel motivated to move onto something new. I also feel angry, sad, overwhelmed and scared. I'm mainly scared. A tiny bit of me is also excited for the future. This means the start of something new.

If I had my way, I'd spend my summer mowing lawns. But mowing lawns doesn't pay the bills and it certainly doesn't have the health insurance or days off that I've got with my boring office job.

I've got two months to find a replacement for my old, boring, frustrating office jockey position. Even if the replacement is another boring, frustrating office jockey position, at least it will be new. A new cubicle, new work-mates, and a fresh start for me. That sounds not altogether terrible, and a regular paycheck will be a good thing.

I'm unreasonably scared, though. I'm scared of getting behind on bills, of struggling financially. Amos and I have never been well off, and money has been tight as it is. This is just overwhelmingly frightening.

I find myself wondering what will we do if I can't find something by August 1st. How will I pay the bills? How will we go about our lives as they are now? What if we can't pay the mortgage? How can I even enjoy a night out, or plan for our road trip to South Carolina in July? How can I go about my day to day life, with this at the back of my mind?

I'm scared.

“Anyone can give up, it’s the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that’s true strength.” - Unknown

quote and image found at doozieUp.com, from a blog written when the author lost his own job last year.

The Kindness of Strangers

I've had a hard time writing anything this last week or so. It's felt more like a chore recently, to be quite honest. I'd love to be one of those people that posts something every single day, but I just don't see that happening. At least once a week is the more realistic goal. I've been sort of wondering if there's anyone much out there reading my little ramblings.

But I feel a bit self-involved wondering that. I started this blog not for fame, glory or popularity amongst the cool blogger-set. No, I started writing it to get myself writing again, on a regular basis. It doesn't really matter if I'm just writing for myself or for a whole gaggle of admiring fans.

So here goes. Another scattered bloggity bog for me, for you, for anyone who stumbles across my little space and decides to give it a read. In no particular order, here's some random things going on recently.

1. Last weekend was super special. Why, you ask? Why, because I got to meet a couple of online blogger and flickr friends in person. Jessica, known as jekinthebox over on flickrland, and her husband are on a summer-long cross-country road trip. The a-go-gos (as they are also known) are blogging about the whole crazy adventure as they travel. You can visit them here to read all about it.

While they were here in Austin last weekend they stayed with the fantastic Erin of bothyellowanimals. Erin, the a-go-gos, myself, another flickr friend Dee, known as TexastoMexico and Dee's daughter Lauren all spent some time together on Saturday in downtown Austin. We wandered down South Congress street (known as SOCO around here), ate lunch at Chuy's on Barton Springs Rd, visited my brother and his wife at their new shop and looked for old-timey photobooths. Here's some of our fun:




As you can see, we are a silly crew. There's tons more photos on everyone's flickr pages, too. I should mention that all of these photos were taken by either Erin or Jek. I don't think they will mind that I use them in my little blog.

2. Monday I was given my yearly evaluation at work. I can honestly say that it was the best one I've ever received, at any job. Seriously. I'm amazed, happy, surprised and not just a little bit relieved. I've written before about my mid-life crisis in regards to work, and what little bit of a career that I have. My current job isn't one that makes my heart sing. It isn't my bliss. Some days it's downright difficult to make it through til 5pm.

But it is my job, and I take pride in doing the best job I can for as long as I'm here. Therefore, it makes me quite pleased to get such good feedback this time around. Thankyouverymuch.

3. I was able to spend a whole day with my husband this week, thanks to my supervisor. No work, no kids, no nothin but the two of us. We love to get days like this when we can. He works some odd schedules, and the days he usually gets off are either a weekday while I'm at the office or a day when we have the kids as well. Having the day together was a sweet surprise.

We spent our day eating breakfast tacos, messing around the house, mailing packages to friends, looking at wedding photos, making homemade salsa, napping, watching Law & Order re-runs, playing water volleyball with friends, eating dinner very late at night and falling back to sleep. In other words, it was a near-perfect day for us. We enjoy spending time together doing the mundane. I loved each and every moment of it.

4. More kindness from strangers. A nice lady on Freecycle offered up some Fiestaware she wanted to give away. I was the lucky one to receive this bounty! Since I was at work the day the lady wanted them gone, my mother kindly made the trip to East Central Austin and collected the booty. I let Mom have her choice first and then I took what was left. Here's my stack of the goodies:

My mom has collected Fiestaware for years. Since I first moved in with Amos, I was hoping to replace the boring brown plates in our home. Of course, thrifted, free or cheap is the best way to go, so I was thrilled to get so lucky as to find these!

And that's the end of today's scattered post. Hopefully, soon my scattered thoughts will file into some sort of organization. I've been letting stress get the better of me, which isn't good. I need to lasso that beast so I can stop grinding my teeth and get some sleep.

Adios, amigos.